I walk out of a New Jersey train station and onto the street, waiting for an old silver van driven by a friar. I knew this afternoon held something unknown. Mystical, yet also very ordinary, I can’t quite put my finger on the feeling. But it’s a feeling I get often, especially when it comes to my art ministry with the poor.
I turn a corner near 7-Eleven and find my friend Br. Francisco wearing thrift store dad sunglasses and sandals. He’s easy to spot with his long beard and long gray habit as he chats with a homeless man on the street. On the sidewalk nearby I see a young woman about my age, wearing a red rose-petal rosary around her neck, smoking a cigarette. I knew this must be her— Denise.
Earlier in the week, Br. Francisco called me to see if I had some free time to meet with him and his friend, Denise, who he had been helping out recently. He explained that she had been through a lot and was on the mend. Here’s what Br. Francisco shared with me about her story and how he came into the picture.
When Br. Francisco and Denise first met back in early January, she was panhandling in downtown Paterson, New Jersey. Two days later, he ran into her at a soup kitchen and she was shocked that he remembered her name. Coming to trust her new friend, she agreed to move forward with a detox program that would set her on the path to recovery. After completing detox, Br. Francisco was unable to get in touch with Denise because of a missing information release form. Shortly after, she fell into her old habits with her ex-boyfriend who brought her back into the life of heroin, cocaine, and homelessness. Two months later, bruised and beaten from her relationship, Br. Francisco found Denise begging in the same spot he had found her back in January. Just moments earlier she had prayed for God to deliver her. Overcome with emotion, Denise agreed to enter back into the detox program and consented to the journey of healing and recovery that brought her to me.
Immediately when Br. Francisco invited me to meet Denise, I felt a desire in my heart to ask her to sit for a drawing session. Later that week I arrived in New Jersey, oil pastels and two sheets of bright pink pastel paper in tow. This was the beginning of my friendship with Denise.
Later that afternoon, Denise and I sat down to draw. It was simple: I got out my paper and pastels at the table and she sat in a wooden chair a few feet across from me. I immediately noticed how natural and relaxed she seemed in this setting. She sat very still, and seemed calm and comfortable. Sometimes we were silent, sometimes we chatted about her recent life events, struggles, and spiritual half-thoughts... all very ordinary and normal elements that make up a life drawing session.
However, her penetrating eye contact throughout the session was striking, and it was accompanied by a little smile. We would make eye contact at various times as I rapidly looked back and forth between Denise and my paper. While I was drawing I noticed that, in a similar way, she would alternate between looking right into my eyes and looking down at the drawing as it was being made. I could tell she was excited to be drawn, to see her likeness emerging before her eyes onto the pink paper. I would continuously change the colors of the oil pastels I used, trying to be open and responsive to her mood, the lighting, her essence— the living and breathing beauty within the person seated a few feet away from me.
During the moments our eyes met, I had this deep sense that Denise knew she was really being seen and that she was ready and open to receiving it— open to receiving the gaze of another person who simply delighted in her for being her. I knew this was not something to be taken lightly. I have learned that it requires incredible vulnerability to let yourself be seen in this way. Denise’s life has been wrought with seasons of pain, and in so many relationships she has not been gazed upon with love.
It seems like such a simple and mundane thing: being seen. However, I think being seen can go beyond a surface-level, everyday experience. When we allow ourselves to really be seen by another person, we open ourselves to risk. We risk our hearts; we risk being thrown away later; we risk our comfort in being alone where no one can get close enough to harm us. But we also risk experiencing greater trust in others; we risk the experience of being vulnerable and allowing someone to come close; we risk being seen as good, beautiful and lovable by another person, perhaps for the first time in our lives.
As I recognized this incredible capacity within Denise, to receive and be seen without barriers, I began to reflect on my own capacity to receive and be seen. I realized that I have let various life experiences and my own flaws get in the way of allowing myself to be received in an open, trusting way. This encounter with Denise revealed a darkness deep within my heart that I needed to bring to light. The way this young woman received my loving gaze reawakened me to the ways in my life I had not been allowing others to love me. She helped me remember that I can be and deserve to be looked at with love.
In these moments of our lives when we forget the importance of being seen and being received by another person with tenderness, let us remember Denise’s witness. Let us remember to turn constantly to the source of loving tenderness Himself. He constantly gazes upon us and weeps with love looking at us, His beautiful children, His beloved creations. His gaze grants us the courage to be seen in our beauty and goodness, and our raw woundedness as well. He wants all of it.
After our two drawing sessions, I gave one of the drawings to Denise and kept one to take to my studio for reference. As I begin the woodcut printmaking process, my prayer is that Denise will hold onto her portrait and remember this encounter we both had. I pray that Denise never forgets how valued, cherished, and loved she is, for simply being herself. I pray that she continues to receive and be open to God the Father’s goodness. He is providing for her right now, just as He is providing for us amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. Please join me in prayer for Denise during this time, and pray for the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in all of their ministries to those they serve.
